Friday, January 9, 2015


     It was a regular afternoon, I was happily chatting away the hour with a fellow mom, sipping coffee and enjoying a talk about things that interest people over 3 feet tall:) Our children were playing, three of which I could see through the big picture window in the living room, as they bounced away on the trampoline.
I took a lasting sip from my vanilla hazelnut blend, and peered over my mug rim...and that's when I saw it...Saw him... through the window on the back lawn nearing the children.
He had an awkward gait, slow and laboured, more of a saunter - with a eyes quickly fired a message to my brain, which sent a message to my legs to 'GET UP!'. Quickly realizing this wasn't a familiar fellow...but a stranger, I ran to the back door as my friend looked on wondering what could possibly make me get up from our delightful conversation so abruptly.  I opened the door and instantly knew, this guy was sick.
I turned back to my friend and said 'It's a racoon, definitely sick, either distemper or rabies', and I was off, to the garage I flew to grab the only thing I could think of that would keep a distance between me and the creature, and still pack a punch if need be.
A golf club.
Ya, you read that right ..unfortunately.

I pulled that putter out of the golf bag like it was my samurai, my adrenaline was pumping, I ran and practised a few slashes in the air as if I were a ninja. I came around the house with my warrior cry, "HIIIIIYYYAAAA!!!!"...hoping to distract the masked intruder away from the trampoline.

As my eyes met the scene in front of me, I faltered a bit, losing my initial boldness and replacing it with a disbelief. He had already made it to the children, drawn to the laughter in his zombie like state he was reaching up to them from beneath the black trampoline mat with his freaky human like hands, and was nearly licking their toes.
By this point, my girl was beside herself in fear, with her brother and his friend holding her back from scrambling out of the zippered net, thinking the creature may seize her ankles. I ran towards them shouting, gaining speed and waving my death instrument and that's when his beady little black eyes met mine. The drums began to pound (in my head) ... and I went straight for him.

(As an aside in this moment, I had a mental exchange with myself likened to Mel Gibsons Freedom speech in Braveheart...(all changes to the speech my own...))
"Aye, fight and you may die, Leanne. Run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your bed, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell this coon that they he may take my life, but he'll never take... MY FREEDOM!" 
As I ran towards him from one corner of the backyard, I noticed that my friend had come onto the back porch armed with what she thought constituted a death apple. Ya, you read that right, unfortunately. 

She whipped that apple with all her might, her cheeks rippling with the force of chucking that red gala. It was of no use, he had his gaze locked onto me and my shiny putter and was approaching with intensity in his trance like state. At first I invited the chase, as I knew it was leading him away from the poor scarred children, but soon I realized it was on .. like donkey kong. He came at me with enthusiasm...each swipe of my samurai bringing more interest. Within 30 seconds I could handle it no longer, his creepy little human like hands were stepping too quickly towards me. I completely chickened out and hightailed it back to the garage as soon as I saw that the kids had scrambled out of the trampoline to the back porch. I ran and screamed like the princess I became, I whirled my samurai club around and around behind me, hoping to putt his head off. 
Once indoors, I locked the door...because you know...creepy human hands and all.

I held my poor shaking daughter in my arms while I called grandpa to save the day. The true farmer ninja came wielding his samurai of the heavy shovel variety, and saved the day. 
Needless, to say request for a BB gun seems slightly more logical now doesn't it?! (By the way, I did receive said gun for Christmas, and suffice to say I think it will make for a better deterrent than my 'samurai' ;) 

Finally, because I know you're thinking how cute raccoons are, and because those previous pictures don't give reasonable doubt as to their true nature....I leave you with this. 

You're Welcome.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness!!!! LEANNE! That's just freaky. Also bizarre. Aside from roadkill, I have not seen any since we moved to the country. Saw them every night in the city- one even took up residence under our deck with her 5 babies. He definitely was sick and dangerous!

    Also, this was hilarious.